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Dr. Gunars shares how he deals with anxiety about granddaughter not doing well in school

Posted by Rex Alexander on Fri 17 May 19 in ABC Technique, Anxiety, Basics, Disputing, Guest Author, Guest Author Posts, Perfectionism |

Rex, as most of the time, gives a good answer. This is not to offer an alternative to Rex, but a supplement.”

Dr. Gunars is a regular contributor to REBT Info, and we are pleased to offer his reply to our recent discussion about managing GAD and anxiety for the a child who is not doing well in his high school career.

I have one granddaughter who is also undergoing a hard time. After the disputing of the MUSTS, SHALLS, HAVE TO¢‚¬„¢S through the main irrationalities of demanding, awfulizing, can¢‚¬„¢t-stand-it is, rating, and overgeneralizing using the on-line REBT self-help form at http://www.rebtnetwork.org/library/shf.html

This is what I came up for my granddaughter, you should do the same thing for your son and submit the answers to this discussion group as I did:

REBT Self-Help Form

 

What is the situation that you are upset about?
granddaughter not doing well in school
 
What are the unhealthy negative emotions that you are experiencing?
anxiety
 
What self-defeating behaviors would you like to change?
obsessively thinking about it
 
What demand are you making about the situation?
She should be doing better.
 
Dispute
Where is the evidence she should be doing better?
 
Rational Belief
We are all Forever Fallible F****-Up Human Beings (FFFHB). Although
I would like her to do better, and I can work on changing her, I do not have to have her be different.
 
In what way are you awfulizing about the situation?
It would be awful if she were not able to improve her grades.
 
Dispute
How does it help me if I spend my time awfulizing and imagining all the things that could and would go wrong.
 
Rational Belief
It does not help me to worry and obsess about her.
 
What are you saying to yourself about the situation that indicates low frustration tolerance?
I can’t stand her attitude toward education.
 
Dispute
How does it help me if I tell myself I can’t stand it?
 
Rational Belief
Even if I don’t like it, I can surely stand it.
 
What beliefs show that you are rating people instead of rating their actions?
1) I am no good for not being able to help her.
2) She is no good for having a sh*tty attitude.
 
Dispute
1) how can my failure to help her make me a twerp?
2) Why should she be any different than she is?
 
Rational Belief
I am an FFFHB; She is and FFFHB. It only makes us humans not subhumans if we do not live up to my expectations.


continued below . . .

 

 

 

How are you overgeneralizing about the situation?
She will never amount to anything. She is doomed.
 
Dispute
 As Mark Twain said “Life is full of misfortunes and catastrophes, most of them that never happen.” (or something like that: we invent problems. Where is the evidence that she will always be this way? Why is she doomed?
 
Rational Belief
Maybe life would be easier on her if she did better, but I can only do so much to help her. I can accept that I do not know how life will treat her.
 
What are your new healthy negative emotions?
Concern
 
What are your new self-helping behaviors?

See how I can help her without wrapping myself around the emotional axle.

Then . . .

you can go back and allocate some time to helping your son to do better in school. For example, I help my granddaughter with mathematics homework and try to instill in her the responsibility of scheduling her time.

 

Warning: This form should not be considered a substitute for individualized treatment with a mental health professional. If you are seeing a counselor or a therapist, it is recommended that you print this page and discuss your responses with him or her.

 

The DIBS Form was designed by Will Ross in 2006
http://www.rebtnetwork.org
An interactive version of the form is available REBT Info, here

 

 

 

Gunars K. Neiders, Ph.D.E.E., Psy.D., a licensed psychologist in the Washington State, providing coaching online to people who want help with stuttering, utilizing multidisciplinary approaches based on REBT-CBT and  Stuttering Modification. Read full bio

 

Author of 
From Stuttering to Fluency: Manage Your Emotions and Live More Fully
Regular contributor to REBT info
neidersg@comcast.net
http://www.stutteringpsychotherapy.com

 

PLEASE ADD YOUR COMMENTS, QUESTIONS,
OPINIONS IN THE BOX BELOW. WE  LOVE 
HEARING FROM YOU!

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Originally posted 2014-07-13 22:38:13.

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