Dr. Gunars is a regular contributor to REBT Info, and we are pleased to offer his reply to our recent discussion about managing GAD and anxiety for the a child who is not doing well in his high school career.
Rex, as most of the time, gives a good answer. This is not to offer an alternative to Rex, but a supplement.
I have one granddaughter who is also undergoing a hard time. After the disputing of the MUSTS, SHALLS, HAVE TO¢‚¬„¢S through the main irrationalities of demanding, awfulizing, can¢‚¬„¢t-stand-it is, rating, and overgeneralizing using the on-line REBT self-help form at http://www.rebtnetwork.org/library/shf.html
This is what I came up for my granddaughter, you should do the same thing for your son and submit the answers to this discussion group as I did:
REBT Self-Help Form
What is the situation that you are upset about?
Answer: granddaughter not doing well in school
What are the unhealthy negative emotions that you are experiencing?
What self-defeating behaviors would you like to change?
Answer: obsessively thinking about it
What demand are you making about the situation?
Answer: She should be doing better.
Dispute: Where is the evidence she should be doing better?
Rational Belief: we are all Forever Fallible F****-Up Human Beings (FFFHB). Although
I would like her to do better, and I can work on changing her, I do not have to have her be
In what way are you awfulizing about the situation?
Answer: It would be awful if she were not able to improve her grades.
Dispute: How does it help me if I spend my time awfulizing and imagining all the things that
could and would go wrong.
Rational Belief: It does not help me to worry and obsess about her.
What are you saying to yourself about the situation that indicates low frustration tolerance?
Answer: I can’t stand her attitude toward education.
Dispute: How does it help me if I tell myself I can’t stand it?
Rational Belief: Even if I don’t like it, I can surely stand it.
What beliefs show that you are rating people instead of rating their actions?
Answer: 1) I am no good for not being able to help her. 2) She is no good for having a sh*tty attitude.
Dispute: 1) how can my failure to help her make me a twerp? 2) Why should she be any different than she is?
Rational Belief: I am an FFFHB; She is and FFFHB. It only makes us humans not subhumans if we do not live up to my expectations.
How are you overgeneralizing about the situation?
Answer: She will never amount to anything. She is doomed.
Dispute: As Mark Twain said “Life is full of misfortunes and catastrophes, most of them that never happen.” (or something like that: we invent problems. Where is the evidence that she will always be this way? Why is she doomed?
Rational Belief: Maybe life would be easier on her if she did better, but I can only do so much to help her. I can accept that I do not know how life will treat her.
[easyazon_infoblock align=”none” identifier=”1494302586″ key=”image” locale=”US” tag=”assets9000-20″]
What are your new healthy negative emotions?
What are your new self-helping behaviors?
Answer: See how I can help her without wrapping myself around the emotional axle.
Warning: This form should not be considered a substitute for individualized treatment with a mental health professional. If you are seeing a counselor or a therapist, it is recommended that you print this page and discuss your responses with him or her.
Designed by Will Ross ? 2006 . . . http://www.rebtnetwork.org
Then you can go back and allocate some time to helping your son to do better in school.
For example, I help my granddaughter with mathematics homework and try to instill in her the responsibility of scheduling her time.
Gunars K. Neiders, Ph.D.E.E., Psy.D., a licensed psychologist in the Washington State, providing coaching online to people who want help with stuttering, utilizing multidisciplinary approaches based on REBT-CBT and Stuttering Modification. Read full bio here => http://stutteringpsychotherapy.com/about-me/
author From Stuttering to Fluency: Manage Your Emotions and Live More Fully
Regular contributor to REBT info
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